1 00:00:29,060 --> 00:00:32,860 Hello, and it's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:32,860 --> 00:00:36,740 a packed programme tonight, a well -known patriotic gambler will tell us 3 00:00:36,740 --> 00:00:37,740 he's backing Britain. 4 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,480 He's getting 2 ,000 to one against. 5 00:00:41,540 --> 00:00:46,480 And we'll be talking to a breeder who crossed a dog with a hen and got a 6 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:47,560 that cocks its own noodle. 7 00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:55,860 And later, a Scottish vicar will be telling all children to say their 8 00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:58,780 night. because you can send messages at the cheap rate after six o 'clock. 9 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:07,040 Then a very lovely physical education mistress will do a novelty dance covered 10 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:11,040 only in blackboard chalk, but the novelty soon wears off. 11 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:17,900 And in our new series, Medical Hints by Well -Known Actresses, tonight, your 12 00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:20,700 very own Googie Withers, and what to do if it does. 13 00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:32,260 Catholic missionaries in Matabeleland are reporting progress with a tribe of 14 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:35,160 cannibals. They're not completely cured, but they are improving. 15 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,720 On Fridays, they eat only fishermen. 16 00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:45,040 And Sir Hartley Chinst, the famous upholstery expert, who yesterday fell 17 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,560 fabric loom, is said to be almost completely recovered. 18 00:01:51,380 --> 00:01:54,740 Tremendous results have been achieved by a team of British scientists. 19 00:01:55,160 --> 00:02:00,220 who made 10 laboratory rats smoke 20 cigarettes a day for a year. For this, 20 00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:04,640 team has been awarded the Nobel Prize, and the rats have got a colour telly 21 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:05,640 the coupons. 22 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,120 And now, tomorrow's weather. 23 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,420 The sun will be killing them in Gillingham. 24 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:19,740 It'll be choking in Woking, dry in Rye, and cool in Gould. 25 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,800 And if you live in Lissingdown, take an umbrella. 26 00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:37,430 But now a sketch which is set in Frankenstein's castle in which I take 27 00:02:37,430 --> 00:02:40,590 important part of the monster and I make him put it back. 28 00:02:46,010 --> 00:02:47,410 Good morning. Morning. 29 00:02:47,970 --> 00:02:50,690 Dr. Diaz? Death. Death? 30 00:02:51,430 --> 00:02:55,010 Yes, death. Don't worry, don't worry. No, it's all right. Old family name. 31 00:02:55,210 --> 00:02:58,250 There have been deaths in Ryslip Gardens since time immemorial. 32 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,200 Well, my name is Billet. Yes? And I strayed my way. I thought I'd like to 33 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,420 and register as a patient. Really? As a patient? Good heavens. I mean, you're a 34 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:10,160 doctor, so I thought I would register as a patient. Oh, I see. Well, now, I'll 35 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:14,280 try and fit you in, Mr. Boddy. Mr. Billet. Oh, Billet. Oh, I'm awful. Did I 36 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:15,280 corpse? I'm awful. 37 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:20,160 Just the slip of the scalpel. Well, I'm an awfully popular man, you see. I'll 38 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:24,300 try and fit you in, but a lot of people are trying to get into my practice. Have 39 00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:26,400 a look at the admissions file here. 40 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,280 Oh. Oh, dear. 41 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,200 Has he been having a nibble? 42 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,420 Well, if he has, he's gone a bit too far. 43 00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:37,080 I'll file him under M here. 44 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,040 That's it. Now, let's have a look at the medical card. There must be something 45 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,000 here. Let's have a look. Oh, yes. 46 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,640 Name dropper. 47 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,000 Name dropper. 48 00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:55,920 I'll just make a note of that. Name dropper. 49 00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:05,060 Have that dropper three times a day in your ear. 50 00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:09,880 Now then, we've got... Who have we got here? 51 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,900 Oh, it's old James Tompkins. Yes, you can have his card. Well, won't he be 52 00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:15,560 needing it? Not anymore, no. Oh, dear. 53 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,910 Why, has he passed away? No. Oh, yes, absolutely dead as a doornail. Yeah, he 54 00:04:19,910 --> 00:04:23,250 was perfectly all right one minute, you know. The next minute, crash, bang, 55 00:04:23,310 --> 00:04:26,890 wallop. Oh, dear, what happened to him? He fell down a laundry chute. Oh. Yeah, 56 00:04:26,970 --> 00:04:28,690 still, we all have to go somehow, don't we? 57 00:04:28,910 --> 00:04:32,810 Now, then, just tell me a little bit about yourself while I feed the 58 00:04:32,890 --> 00:04:33,349 will you? 59 00:04:33,350 --> 00:04:34,610 I'm an animal lover, you know. 60 00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:36,870 I've got great healing in my hands. 61 00:04:37,230 --> 00:04:40,930 Yes. Now, tell me, when were you born, and what do you enjoy, and how often? 62 00:04:41,370 --> 00:04:46,010 Well, this is going to take rather long time, because, you see... Part of the 63 00:04:46,010 --> 00:04:49,330 problem is that I was born... My father was a tea planter, and I... I went... 64 00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,750 I... I didn't... I went to sleep. 65 00:04:55,930 --> 00:05:02,490 Is he asleep, or, uh... fainted, or having a thorn? 66 00:05:04,510 --> 00:05:06,010 I think he's drowned, you know. 67 00:05:08,330 --> 00:05:11,750 Well, he won't go. Look, he won't go. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll, um... 68 00:05:11,950 --> 00:05:13,270 I'll give him to the cat. 69 00:05:13,490 --> 00:05:14,970 I know that's what he would have wanted. 70 00:05:16,990 --> 00:05:18,130 Come on, Tiddles. 71 00:05:18,550 --> 00:05:20,470 Tiddles. Tiddles, wake up, Tiddles. 72 00:05:20,810 --> 00:05:24,210 Does the cat always sleep on its back with its legs straight up in the air? 73 00:05:25,090 --> 00:05:27,370 Well, it has done for the past three weeks, yes. 74 00:05:28,730 --> 00:05:30,470 I'll just file it with the mouse here. 75 00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:34,890 I tell you what, now you're here, I might as well show you around all this 76 00:05:34,890 --> 00:05:38,650 boring old paperwork. Now, over there are the medical histories, you see. 77 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:40,800 Now, here we have the doctor's certificate. 78 00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:43,400 Uh -huh. And, of course, here we have the death certificate. 79 00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:48,580 Ah. Hello. 80 00:05:48,820 --> 00:05:49,479 Oh, sorry. 81 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:50,800 Hello. Death speaking. 82 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:52,320 Oh, hello, Mrs. 83 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,560 Murgatroyd. Ah, how nice to hear from you. Yes. 84 00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,100 How's your husband? 85 00:05:58,080 --> 00:05:59,480 Oh, dear, I'm sorry to hear that. 86 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:01,980 Oh, when's the funeral? 87 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,820 Would you like some fudge? No, thank you. 88 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:09,100 No, well, I at first thought it was fudge poisoning, a food poisoning. 89 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,060 But it turned out to be tennis elbow. 90 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:15,620 Yes. Well, no, it's not usually fatal. No, it isn't. Well, 91 00:06:16,340 --> 00:06:19,500 I'd love to come along, but I'm afraid I've got another function on the same 92 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:22,740 afternoon. Yes, at the same cemetery, funnily enough. Yes. 93 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,800 Old Mr. Grundy, you know, yes. 94 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,260 In growing toenail. 95 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,020 Yes, well, there were complications, you see, yes. 96 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:31,920 Well, he died. That was one of the complications. 97 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,800 I tell you what, why don't we combine it and have a sort of do together? I mean, 98 00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:42,240 have a bit of fun. I could dig up a couple of friends and bring them along. 99 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,940 Oh, well, look, I'm sorry to hear about your old man. 100 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,100 Second husband, too, wasn't he? What? 101 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,100 Oh, third husband, was he? 102 00:06:52,420 --> 00:06:54,360 Oh, my congratulations. I didn't know you'd know. 103 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:57,820 Hello? Oh, she's rung off. 104 00:06:58,660 --> 00:07:01,420 Is that the time? No, that's the barometer. 105 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,660 Well, in that case, it's high pressure I was going. No, no, no. Come on. 106 00:07:05,740 --> 00:07:09,300 Thank you, Mr. Billet. Plenty of time to kill. A few more details. 107 00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:12,560 Are you single or buried? 108 00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:13,519 I'm buried. 109 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:14,520 Married. 110 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:18,200 My wife's expecting a baby. I must say. Oh, your wife. I'm a widower myself. 111 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,600 Yes, I thought you would have been. Yes, I've been a widower for years. 112 00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:33,010 Cuckoo, dead on time as usual. 113 00:07:35,290 --> 00:07:36,550 It's only 12 .30. 114 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:37,790 No, 115 00:07:40,970 --> 00:07:43,290 I tell a lie, it's one o 'clock. He always goes to lunch at one o 'clock. 116 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:47,110 I'll see you soon, Doctor. Yes, you will see me soon. That's the broom cupboard. 117 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:50,010 That's for filing. 118 00:07:50,050 --> 00:07:51,050 What's the matter with that? 119 00:07:51,250 --> 00:07:54,030 What's the matter with everything you touch? I'm not coming to you, do you 120 00:07:54,030 --> 00:07:56,770 understand? I'll see myself out. No need to come down. 121 00:07:56,970 --> 00:07:58,110 No, I won't. That's the laundry chute. 122 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,280 Miss Fosdyke, any more patients? 123 00:08:08,460 --> 00:08:09,660 Miss Fosdyke? 124 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:41,780 Now, many of you here tonight will know that Cain and Abel and Hampstead Heath 125 00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:43,600 are Cockney rhyming slang. 126 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:48,140 Cain and Abel means table and Hampstead Heath means teeth. 127 00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:52,760 We are glad to welcome tonight a large group of Cockney worshippers to Evensong 128 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,960 and it is to them that I wish to address my sermon. 129 00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,820 I want to tell you a story. 130 00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:04,320 A long time ago, in the days of the Israelites, there lived a poor man. 131 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,760 He had no trouble and strife. 132 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:14,600 She had run off with a tea leaf some years before, and he now lived with his 133 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:15,980 eldest bricks -and -mortar, Mary. 134 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:22,620 And being very short of bees and honey, unable to pay the burden on Trent, he 135 00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:27,620 was tempted to go forth into the Bristol city and see what he could half -inch. 136 00:09:29,420 --> 00:09:33,100 He would say to Mary, his bricks -and -mortar, I will take a ball of chalk 137 00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:33,899 the town. 138 00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:35,740 and buy some tobacco for my cherry ripe. 139 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:41,420 And he would put on his almond rocks and his dicky dirt, and his rounder houses, 140 00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:45,920 and set off down the frog and toad until he reached the outskirts of the 141 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:46,920 Bristol. 142 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,800 And people would stare at him for his dicky dirt was torn. 143 00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:53,520 His howdy -dos were full of holes. 144 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,520 And his coat was very Westminster Abbey. 145 00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:02,580 He was also somewhat unclean, being too poor to purchase any cape of good hope. 146 00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:05,550 His bushel and peck was extremely 230. 147 00:10:07,770 --> 00:10:11,470 And people passed by on the other side to avoid the pen and ink. 148 00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:21,150 He was truly an ugly man. His north and south drooped. His mince pies were 149 00:10:21,150 --> 00:10:22,150 watery. 150 00:10:22,470 --> 00:10:24,530 And he had a big red, I suppose. 151 00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:30,430 One day, his bricks and mortar gave him some money, saying, here is a saucepan 152 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:31,550 lid. Go and buy food. 153 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,530 a loaf of Uncle Fred and a pound of Standard Ease. 154 00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:40,150 But do not tarry in the town and bring me back what is left of the money to buy 155 00:10:40,150 --> 00:10:41,470 myself some new underwear. 156 00:10:41,890 --> 00:10:43,850 I need a new pair of early doors. 157 00:10:45,550 --> 00:10:50,050 For my present ones are full of holes and I am in a continual George Raft. 158 00:10:54,550 --> 00:10:57,770 But instead of returning with the bees and honey for his bricks and mortars 159 00:10:57,770 --> 00:11:02,680 early doors, he made his way to the rubber dub for a tumble down the sink 160 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,380 indulged himself freely on the bottle. 161 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,000 And he became very elephant's trunk in Mozart. 162 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:14,040 And with the landlord of the rubber dub called Bird Lime, the man set off back 163 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,900 towards his cat and mouse, reeling about all over the frog and toad and 164 00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:19,920 drunkenly humming a stewed prune. 165 00:11:23,420 --> 00:11:25,180 And it came to Khyber Pass. 166 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:33,100 As he staggered along, he saw on the pavement a small brown Richard III. 167 00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:44,800 And he stared at it, lying there at his plates of meat. 168 00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:52,200 And he said, oh, small brown Richard III, how lucky I did not step on you. 169 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:54,880 And he picked it up. 170 00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,740 put it on top of a wall where no one could step on it. 171 00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:07,580 And a rich four -by -two -ish merchant, who witnessed the deed, put 172 00:12:07,580 --> 00:12:11,520 his hand into his skyrocket and took out a Lady Godiva and handed it to the man 173 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:16,700 saying, I saw you pick up that Richard III and remove it from the pavement, and 174 00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:20,480 that was a kindly act. Take this Lady Godiva for your froth and bubble. 175 00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:23,960 The man took it and went on his way. 176 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,150 And the Richard III flew back to its nest. 177 00:12:37,630 --> 00:12:43,330 When the man arrived home, his daughter was sitting by the jerrymire on her 178 00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:44,450 favourite Lionel Blair. 179 00:12:45,310 --> 00:12:49,550 She arose angrily and said, Once again you come home, elephant's trunk and 180 00:12:49,550 --> 00:12:54,670 Mozart. I have spent all the money I gave you. Now I cannot have my new pair 181 00:12:54,670 --> 00:12:55,670 early doors. 182 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,880 Neither can I have wine as you do. 183 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:02,620 And the man said, Fear not, here is a Lady Godiva which I earned by a kindly 184 00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:06,620 act. And the woman was overjoyed and said, Thank you, Father. 185 00:13:07,060 --> 00:13:09,500 Now I can have my pair of early doors. 186 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:15,380 Verily, that kindly act has ensured that I have more than enough to cover my 187 00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:16,380 bottle and glass. 188 00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:44,700 London, 1898. 189 00:13:44,980 --> 00:13:48,360 This story starts on the night of Tuesday, October the 3rd. 190 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,140 Good evening, sir. May I assist you? 191 00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:41,700 Yes. 192 00:14:42,020 --> 00:14:43,680 Is the Prime Minister in? 193 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:50,820 He is, sir, but he doesn't see anybody without an appointment, except Miss 194 00:14:50,820 --> 00:14:51,860 Maureen, body. 195 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:56,760 In that case, please to give him my card. 196 00:14:59,460 --> 00:15:01,760 Why has it no name upon it, sir? 197 00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:04,140 Modesty forbids it. 198 00:15:04,990 --> 00:15:07,290 But it has no address either, sir. 199 00:15:08,190 --> 00:15:09,490 I'm never at home. 200 00:15:14,030 --> 00:15:17,730 Is there a message I may give to the Prime Minister, sir? 201 00:15:18,650 --> 00:15:19,650 Yes. 202 00:15:19,950 --> 00:15:21,730 Tell him this. 203 00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:27,340 Inspector Corner, Scotland Yard, and I'm Sergeant Bowles. 204 00:16:27,740 --> 00:16:29,500 How do you do? How do you do? 205 00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:31,900 That's quite late. 206 00:16:33,020 --> 00:16:34,940 I wish to interview Mr. 207 00:16:35,180 --> 00:16:36,180 Butler. Butler? 208 00:16:36,780 --> 00:16:40,700 Yes, of course. You can come in now, Inspector, but you must be quiet. 209 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,620 You must be quiet! 210 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,960 How long will you be? 211 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:50,280 Just a minute. 212 00:16:52,270 --> 00:16:53,510 Well, but not a minute longer. 213 00:16:59,370 --> 00:17:06,030 Good evening, sir. I am Corner of Scotland. 214 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,109 Yard. 215 00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:10,910 And I am Sergeant Bolt. 216 00:17:13,470 --> 00:17:16,310 We are hoping you are going to be able to help us with our inquiry. 217 00:17:16,710 --> 00:17:18,010 That's all for tonight, Inspector. 218 00:17:18,650 --> 00:17:20,390 Very well. I'll come back tomorrow. 219 00:17:35,470 --> 00:17:38,710 I realize I'm pressing you, nurse, but it must be obvious that I have very 220 00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:39,709 little alternative. 221 00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:41,110 I didn't even notice. 222 00:17:43,210 --> 00:17:45,590 Now, did you see the man's face? 223 00:17:45,950 --> 00:17:46,950 No, no. 224 00:17:47,110 --> 00:17:48,770 It was very dark. 225 00:17:49,030 --> 00:17:50,850 A dark face, I think. 226 00:17:52,210 --> 00:17:53,890 But it wasn't his face. 227 00:17:54,470 --> 00:17:56,590 Then whose face was it? 228 00:17:59,170 --> 00:18:00,610 It was the noise. 229 00:18:00,890 --> 00:18:04,770 The noise. Could you give us a rough idea of this noise? 230 00:18:05,610 --> 00:18:08,490 Oh, no, I couldn't. No, no. Oh, no, no. 231 00:18:08,910 --> 00:18:12,010 Oh, the disgrace. No, no, no. 232 00:18:12,510 --> 00:18:13,510 You must try. 233 00:18:14,470 --> 00:18:17,430 This noise might be the breakthrough we are looking for. 234 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:20,890 Oh, very well. 235 00:18:22,350 --> 00:18:24,750 Now, the screens. 236 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:49,940 It sounded like... He went... Yes, yes, yes, yes. He went 237 00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:56,760 what? He went... He went... Oh, my wife, that is 238 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,380 great. I didn't quite get that, sir. 239 00:19:02,820 --> 00:19:04,240 He said he went... 240 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,280 That ain't just a book. 241 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,530 What's the point of such an attack, apart from the shot? 242 00:19:46,850 --> 00:19:47,970 It's pointless. 243 00:19:48,390 --> 00:19:50,850 He must be a madman. 244 00:19:53,090 --> 00:19:55,390 I know this sort of criminal well, those. 245 00:19:55,870 --> 00:19:57,050 Lifetime of frustration. 246 00:19:57,650 --> 00:19:58,970 One desperate act. 247 00:19:59,350 --> 00:20:00,570 After that, nothing. 248 00:20:01,270 --> 00:20:03,810 Do you think he's blown himself out? 249 00:20:05,870 --> 00:20:06,870 Possibly. 250 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,570 I don't think we'll hear from this attacker again. 251 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,420 We seem to be taking a devil of a long time to reach the embankment. 252 00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:19,160 I didn't realise this road was so long. 253 00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:22,600 Well, it has to be, sir, otherwise it wouldn't reach. 254 00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:25,700 What do you mean? 255 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:28,900 Cabby, are we on the right road? 256 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:30,560 Don't worry, sir. 257 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,780 Just put yourself in my hands. 258 00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:36,240 I'll look after you. 259 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:37,760 Sure you will. 260 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,340 British cabby is the salt of the earth. 261 00:20:48,530 --> 00:20:53,410 Inside that dim, handsome cab, the dim, handsome face of Inspector Corner of the 262 00:20:53,410 --> 00:20:57,950 Yard looked dim and handsome in the dim light of the handsome cab's dim light. 263 00:20:59,450 --> 00:21:02,170 Was the wind of change about to blow through the land? 264 00:21:02,710 --> 00:21:04,670 Had he trodden in more than he could chew? 265 00:21:06,590 --> 00:21:11,510 Little did he realize the world was to hear more from the Phantom Raspberry 266 00:21:11,510 --> 00:21:13,640 Blower. of Old London Town. 267 00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:24,600 Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dixon. 268 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:44,940 Why'd you see it your way? 269 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:51,840 Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone. Oh, we can work it 270 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,740 We can work it out. 271 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,280 Think of what you're saying. 272 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:01,780 You can get it wrong and still you think that it's alright. 273 00:22:02,900 --> 00:22:04,640 Think of what I'm saying. 274 00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:07,040 We can work it out. 275 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,160 Why'd you see it your way? 276 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,320 There's a chance that we might... 277 00:24:29,900 --> 00:24:30,960 Now here is the late news. 278 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,800 Mr. Horace Whipsley, the world's most superstitious motorist, who has a lucky 279 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:38,760 horseshoe dangling in his rear window, a sprig of heather on the wipers, a St. 280 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,460 Christopher suspended from the dashboard, and a rabbit's foot in the 281 00:24:41,460 --> 00:24:44,700 compartment, was today run over by 13 steamrollers. 282 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:52,980 In the High Court today, a woman gained a divorce on the grounds that whenever 283 00:24:52,980 --> 00:24:57,160 lightning flashed in the night, her husband jumped up shouting, I'll buy the 284 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:58,160 negatives. 285 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,640 And it appears that master criminals in this country who specialize in smash and 286 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,200 grab have now come up with the answer to double glazing. 287 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:13,440 Two bricks. 288 00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:18,920 Later in the show, we'll be talking to the man who crossed the clock on the 289 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:23,400 of England with the leaning tower of Pisa and came up with the time, the 290 00:25:23,460 --> 00:25:24,460 and the inclination. 291 00:25:26,100 --> 00:25:30,360 But now, a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie Corbett, who only today was presented 292 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:33,460 with an illuminated address by his neighbors. They set his house on fire. 293 00:25:42,860 --> 00:25:46,140 Where's the food, my dear? We seem to have been waiting an extraordinary 294 00:25:46,140 --> 00:25:48,960 of time. Honestly, this new butler's a damned erratic. 295 00:25:49,220 --> 00:25:54,020 Wait for hours, then all the food seems to come at once. He's damned impudent to 296 00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:57,800 boot as well, so that's... Oh, do you think so, dear? He's always very polite 297 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,020 me. He may be to you, but he's damned impudent to me, dear. 298 00:26:02,220 --> 00:26:05,400 Your game, milady? 299 00:26:09,900 --> 00:26:13,480 I say, please... Thank you, sir. Will you hurry along with my roast pork? 300 00:26:13,620 --> 00:26:16,620 That'll do, sir. And make sure it's a nice fatty piece, will you? 301 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,160 See that? Damn well, ignoring me, ignoring me. 302 00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:21,740 Don't make such a fuss. 303 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:23,100 He's very efficient. 304 00:26:24,020 --> 00:26:26,020 Maybe to you, dear. To me, he's damned impudent. 305 00:26:27,100 --> 00:26:28,100 You're fat, my lord. 306 00:26:33,620 --> 00:26:35,540 See what I mean, dear? I shall have to sack him. 307 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:36,939 Steady on. 308 00:26:36,940 --> 00:26:38,760 We've enough fervent trouble as it is. 309 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:42,940 The handyman about to leave us and the plumbing's in a terrible state. 310 00:26:43,180 --> 00:26:45,800 Reminds me, dear, I must talk to you about the lavatories. They've all gone 311 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,820 draw. You're sweet, milady. 312 00:26:48,300 --> 00:26:49,760 Oh, thank you, thank you. 313 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:54,400 You're nuts, milord. 314 00:27:00,500 --> 00:27:03,040 Cheeky swine. How am I supposed to open these? 315 00:27:03,980 --> 00:27:05,180 You're crackers, milord. 316 00:27:07,340 --> 00:27:10,830 Ed does it, dear. Start... Shortage or no staff shortage, he goes. 317 00:27:11,250 --> 00:27:12,770 Well, you know best, dear. 318 00:27:13,130 --> 00:27:15,110 What were you saying about the lavatories? 319 00:27:15,490 --> 00:27:18,270 They're broken, dear. Up the border. Up the spout, down the drain. 320 00:27:18,550 --> 00:27:20,930 What? And we've stacked the handyman. 321 00:27:21,170 --> 00:27:22,490 How are we going to manage? 322 00:27:23,410 --> 00:27:24,790 You're pale, milady. 323 00:27:28,110 --> 00:27:29,270 You're potty, milord. 324 00:27:40,110 --> 00:27:41,110 Good evening. 325 00:27:42,790 --> 00:27:46,450 Actually, I don't know why I said that, because I already said good evening at 326 00:27:46,450 --> 00:27:48,730 the beginning of the show, didn't I? When we did the funny bits. 327 00:27:49,070 --> 00:27:51,290 But it just slipped out. 328 00:27:52,150 --> 00:27:53,150 I just said it. 329 00:27:55,490 --> 00:27:56,510 Two good evenings. 330 00:27:57,210 --> 00:28:00,030 Well, one for the colour sets and one for the black and white. 331 00:28:01,290 --> 00:28:03,030 What other show gives you all that? 332 00:28:03,250 --> 00:28:08,430 But enough of this ad -libbing. I expect by now it'll be panic stations in the 333 00:28:08,430 --> 00:28:09,430 control box. 334 00:28:09,450 --> 00:28:10,450 Red alert. 335 00:28:10,670 --> 00:28:11,970 That's when they wake up the producer. 336 00:28:13,950 --> 00:28:15,090 And put his teeth in. 337 00:28:16,850 --> 00:28:19,890 And he gets very upset if he wakes up during a show. 338 00:28:21,390 --> 00:28:23,010 Upsets the whole rhythm of his day. 339 00:28:23,970 --> 00:28:25,750 Tears, tantrums, mascara. 340 00:28:28,230 --> 00:28:29,410 Not a pretty sight. 341 00:28:30,010 --> 00:28:33,930 But I'm not worried. I mean, if I get the sack from here, I can always go to 342 00:28:33,930 --> 00:28:36,650 America. Because let's face it, that's where it's all happening. 343 00:28:37,130 --> 00:28:42,830 Do you know I was reading a story about an enormous factory in the USA where 344 00:28:42,830 --> 00:28:44,490 there is only one man working? 345 00:28:45,130 --> 00:28:48,210 I know what you're thinking. You're thinking we've got enormous factories 346 00:28:48,210 --> 00:28:49,210 where nobody's working. 347 00:28:50,930 --> 00:28:55,870 And don't think I won't get letters about that. 348 00:28:56,070 --> 00:28:59,850 But this one is different. 349 00:29:00,170 --> 00:29:01,770 This one has got an end product. 350 00:29:01,970 --> 00:29:05,210 It's completely automated to make torch batteries. 351 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:09,560 And there's only one employee, an old rabbi, who stands at the end of the 352 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:13,680 conveyor belt, and as the batteries go past, he says, I wish you long life, I 353 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:14,240 wish you... 354 00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:22,160 No, 355 00:29:22,300 --> 00:29:26,440 actually, I have got a lot of contacts in America, you know, through my wife's 356 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:27,800 family, the Dillingers. 357 00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:34,440 Would you believe that her great -great -grandfather... 358 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:37,300 That would be on her mother's side, you know, looking from the front. 359 00:29:39,140 --> 00:29:42,840 He remembers landing in America and he met some Indians. 360 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:47,320 He gave them a string of beads and they gave him half a buffalo, Manhattan 361 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,980 Island, and two tickets for the first Frank Sinatra farewell concert. 362 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:58,940 But seriously, it is good to be back in the old chair again, you know, even 363 00:29:58,940 --> 00:30:00,760 though it is getting a little bit tattered and torn. 364 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:04,480 Actually, I sent a note, to be honest, asking for a new chair. 365 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:06,100 to the controller of BBC. 366 00:30:07,140 --> 00:30:08,520 He's a bit of a mystery man, you know. 367 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:10,240 The Howard Hughes of television. 368 00:30:12,460 --> 00:30:14,400 Some say he's been dead since 1946. 369 00:30:16,820 --> 00:30:19,940 And others say he's the port from the left in the black and white minstrel 370 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,880 I personally only believe half of it. 371 00:30:25,660 --> 00:30:27,720 He is half dead and he's second from the left. 372 00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:33,540 As you can see, as you can see, I didn't get a new chair. 373 00:30:33,930 --> 00:30:35,410 All I got was this memo. 374 00:30:35,850 --> 00:30:36,850 Would you believe this? 375 00:30:37,550 --> 00:30:41,090 Fail to understand why you're asking for a new chair. 376 00:30:41,570 --> 00:30:44,250 Has that Angela Rippon been stirring it again? 377 00:30:46,050 --> 00:30:50,250 Actually, I did show this to Angela Rippon, and she simply said what she 378 00:30:50,250 --> 00:30:52,670 everybody, you know, give us a kiss and I'll buy you a Guinness. 379 00:30:56,670 --> 00:31:01,130 And when I can't get to sleep, I always tell myself old jokes, you know. 380 00:31:01,420 --> 00:31:02,680 Sort of bore myself to sleep. 381 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:09,680 And this is the one that did the trick last night. So it's worth knowing, you 382 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:11,220 know, as long as you don't become addicted. 383 00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:15,640 Anyway, here it is. Listen to this. It concerns a young parlour maid. 384 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,620 It's a rather posh start, isn't it? A young parlour maid who goes to see her 385 00:31:19,620 --> 00:31:20,720 mistress one day, you see. 386 00:31:20,980 --> 00:31:24,500 And she says, Faith and begorrah, madam, but I'd be leaving you and going home 387 00:31:24,500 --> 00:31:26,160 at the end of the week and all and all and all. 388 00:31:27,700 --> 00:31:28,700 Think she was Irish. 389 00:31:31,580 --> 00:31:32,700 You can never tell with me. 390 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:34,980 Could be from anywhere, anyway. 391 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:39,580 And her mistress said, but Bridget, you can't leave us after all these years. 392 00:31:40,300 --> 00:31:42,420 Wherever would we find someone like you, dear? 393 00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:44,600 So cheerful, hardworking, and cheap. 394 00:31:46,980 --> 00:31:50,140 So the maid said, well, it is like this. I'm going to have a baby, and who is 395 00:31:50,140 --> 00:31:53,000 going to care for me father, his little child, the girl, and all, and all, and 396 00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:54,000 all. 397 00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:55,780 I like that bit, and all, and all. 398 00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:00,190 Feels a little comfortable there. Then the lady of the house, The lady of the 399 00:32:00,190 --> 00:32:01,190 house said, that's simple. 400 00:32:01,430 --> 00:32:05,670 She said, the master and I will adopt the baby. Your troubles are over. 401 00:32:06,430 --> 00:32:08,130 Now go and get stuck into the ironing. 402 00:32:09,230 --> 00:32:12,910 Or words to that effect. Now a year goes by and along comes Bridget again. 403 00:32:13,370 --> 00:32:16,490 Madam, she says, I'll be leaving you at the end of the week because I'm going to 404 00:32:16,490 --> 00:32:18,370 have another baby and all and all and all and all. 405 00:32:19,350 --> 00:32:21,390 There are one or two dozing off in the front here already. 406 00:32:23,790 --> 00:32:24,790 There we are. 407 00:32:25,030 --> 00:32:28,550 And her mistress says, oh dear, we shall have to come to the same arrangement. 408 00:32:29,100 --> 00:32:33,460 As we did with the other one. And this happens every year until about the tenth 409 00:32:33,460 --> 00:32:34,460 year. 410 00:32:35,060 --> 00:32:38,300 Bridget says, Madam, she says, I am afraid I've got bad news for you. 411 00:32:38,540 --> 00:32:40,900 I am definitely leaving, and on and on and on. 412 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:44,120 And don't ask me if I'm in the family way, because I'm not. 413 00:32:44,540 --> 00:32:46,120 I found out what was causing it. 414 00:32:48,740 --> 00:32:54,220 And the mistress says, then why are you leaving? Oh, sorry, I got them mixed up. 415 00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:55,500 The mistress says, then why are you leaving? 416 00:33:01,450 --> 00:33:02,990 She said, then why are you leaving? 417 00:33:04,570 --> 00:33:05,930 Fantastic difference, isn't it? 418 00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:12,730 She said, then why are you leaving? I thought you were so happy working for 419 00:33:13,010 --> 00:33:16,810 And Bridget said, so I was, but that was before you had all those bloody kids. 420 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:02,640 Thank you. 421 00:34:12,569 --> 00:34:14,570 Thank you. 422 00:34:41,820 --> 00:34:45,080 We have our reservations. 423 00:34:45,540 --> 00:34:47,480 We have our reservations. 424 00:35:00,430 --> 00:35:04,450 We told when we come, do not fall down. 425 00:35:04,970 --> 00:35:09,910 A big, white, medicine man calling on total power. 426 00:35:11,750 --> 00:35:17,790 We go to a restaurant, quite dear. Here, Chinaman say in Negrosia. We don't 427 00:35:17,790 --> 00:35:20,970 serve colored people here. Then we have a reservation. 428 00:35:21,730 --> 00:35:23,490 Then we have a reservation. 429 00:35:46,060 --> 00:35:50,280 A big white bird flew across the sea and brought us here to the land of the 430 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:54,360 free. Now the big white bird is living with me. She's an air hostess from 431 00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:55,360 Houndsville. 432 00:35:57,380 --> 00:36:02,120 I met a painted English maid with a bow -wow down in Soho. 433 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:06,940 I paid ten pound and she asked me around for a bow -wow and some cocoa. 434 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,880 My luck was in that night, but I was done, I know so. 435 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:16,480 For the yo -ho -ho was a no, no, no, and the bow -wow drank my coke. 436 00:37:03,660 --> 00:37:09,480 We blood brothers. We blood brothers. 437 00:37:09,740 --> 00:37:13,980 I swear it. We yell across the prairie the yell of the blood. 438 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:15,280 Blood yell. 439 00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:16,600 Blood yell. 440 00:37:17,780 --> 00:37:19,300 I have sworn. 441 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:21,040 I think so. 442 00:37:22,660 --> 00:37:27,460 Now we tell the story of Hiawatha. Written by Henry Wadworth Longfellow. 443 00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:29,200 Or in his case, Shortfellow. 444 00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:31,480 Or in your case, Spotfellow. 445 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:36,480 By the shores of Kitchikumi, far... 446 00:37:36,700 --> 00:37:41,420 across the shining water, lived a mighty Blackfoot warrior, lived a mighty 447 00:37:41,420 --> 00:37:46,580 warrior chieftain, bold in battle, strong in valor, by the name of Des O 448 00:37:46,580 --> 00:37:47,580 'Connor. 449 00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:54,620 Nearby stood a modest wigwam, worn and dirty was its outside, plain and bare, 450 00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:57,900 its shabby inside, no TV or running water. 451 00:37:58,300 --> 00:38:03,340 Where lived Hiawatha's sweetheart, daughter to old Minnie Ha -Ha? Laughing 452 00:38:03,340 --> 00:38:04,740 maiden Minnie Cooper. 453 00:38:07,370 --> 00:38:11,510 Tall she was and brown as berries and her limbs were straight and sturdy. 454 00:38:11,790 --> 00:38:15,750 And her clothing strained and jutted like a bag of ripe tomatoes. 455 00:38:18,350 --> 00:38:20,450 Muscular and strong was Minnie. 456 00:38:20,650 --> 00:38:24,930 Minnie Cooper splashing water like her brother Henry Cooper. 457 00:38:27,070 --> 00:38:29,410 She'd splash it on all over. 458 00:38:31,830 --> 00:38:35,990 Laughing Minnie came to England for to seek her higher water. 459 00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:41,380 Many moons since he had left her. Many moons since he had kissed her. On the 460 00:38:41,380 --> 00:38:44,980 mountains of the sunrise and in other pleasant places. 461 00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:48,380 So she journeyed across the water. 462 00:38:48,740 --> 00:38:50,420 Sailed across the shining water. 463 00:38:50,900 --> 00:38:52,680 To the sprawling mighty river. 464 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:55,060 To the Thames in all its glory. 465 00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:57,260 After Wigwam down at Putney. 466 00:38:57,540 --> 00:38:59,360 In the high street near the court. 467 00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:02,940 Many moons travel. 468 00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:05,920 First to heavens, many suns delight the water. 469 00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:10,500 Ere her lover Hiawatha found her in the Putney High Street. 470 00:39:10,940 --> 00:39:16,360 Crouched inside her gleamy, gleamy teepee. Crouched behind her brand new 471 00:39:16,460 --> 00:39:20,560 She'd become the proud possessor of our colored 23 years. 472 00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:28,460 Come, oh mini laughing water. Come with me to Kitchikumi. We'll return across 473 00:39:28,460 --> 00:39:29,460 the ocean. 474 00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:31,540 Not tonight, she said. It's Kojak. 475 00:39:34,090 --> 00:39:37,990 World of sport and upstairs, downstairs. The survivors and the brothers. 476 00:39:38,330 --> 00:39:39,330 On the buses. 477 00:39:39,350 --> 00:39:40,350 Up the workers. 478 00:39:40,450 --> 00:39:41,428 Horridge. Mash. 479 00:39:41,430 --> 00:39:42,430 And Fanny Craddock. 480 00:39:45,630 --> 00:39:49,910 Now the realms of color, Telly, have enveloped me forever. 481 00:39:50,170 --> 00:39:54,470 Now I make my monthly payments to the land of never, never. 482 00:39:54,810 --> 00:39:59,650 Farewell, land of plains and prairies. Farewell, land of silver birches. So 483 00:39:59,650 --> 00:40:03,010 farewell, my higher water. From now on, it's higher. 484 00:40:21,130 --> 00:40:27,570 Here now when we speak of an evening quite unique when the world and his wife 485 00:40:27,570 --> 00:40:30,910 turned up last week at the Redskins annual dinner. 486 00:40:31,490 --> 00:40:37,590 People just like he or you, red and white and black and blue. All different 487 00:40:37,590 --> 00:40:41,070 shapes and sizes do what the Redskins annual do. 488 00:40:42,010 --> 00:40:43,890 Thank you. 489 00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:51,090 Thank you. 490 00:40:52,190 --> 00:40:58,110 Thank you. Thank you. 491 00:41:01,250 --> 00:41:02,790 Thank you. 492 00:41:07,750 --> 00:41:13,230 He, Baby Goldstein, treated his squaws to a small lemonade and four deets. 493 00:41:13,230 --> 00:41:17,890 was left a paddle in the oar, and a heap good time was had by all. 494 00:41:20,210 --> 00:41:23,770 There were poor leaf -backed feet and sore knees, flat feet, fleece pipes 495 00:41:23,770 --> 00:41:27,550 burning, bagpipes churning. Now the hose paddled those, some of these and some 496 00:41:27,550 --> 00:41:30,910 of those, two said, you're on your most big chief running oars. Many other big 497 00:41:30,910 --> 00:41:34,710 chiefs dressed in fig leaves, some with small leaves, some with big leaves. 498 00:41:45,790 --> 00:41:52,170 ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ 499 00:41:52,170 --> 00:42:06,110 ¶¶ 500 00:42:07,210 --> 00:42:08,550 Let the Redskins manual through. 501 00:42:08,870 --> 00:42:13,250 All eight of one. Let the Redskins manual through. 502 00:42:48,660 --> 00:42:49,940 Well, that's all for this week. 503 00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:53,880 Next week we shall be talking to a male ballet dancer who crossed a trot with a 504 00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:56,460 polo mint and got a nutcracker sweet. 505 00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:08,040 And to a hokey -cokey champion who has just been disqualified for putting it in 506 00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:09,100 when he should have been shaking it. 507 00:43:11,340 --> 00:43:16,620 Until then, it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.